Helping children through the loss of a pet

For many children, a pet is a best friend and a member of the family, and a pet's death may be the first time they lose someone they love. You can't take the sadness away, but you can help. This guide gathers advice from a children's health organization and a veterinary college, listed at the end.

Use honest, simple words

Nemours KidsHealth suggests telling children the news one-on-one, in a place where they feel safe and aren't easily distracted. How much you share can depend on your child's age, maturity and experience.

A social worker at NC State's College of Veterinary Medicine recommends clear, simple language. Even the youngest child should get honest information about what death is. The two big ideas are that death happens to all living things, and that it can't be undone. A pet who has died can no longer see, hear, taste or feel. It can help a child to know that death doesn't have to hurt.

KidsHealth says it's OK to use the words "death" and "dying."

Why "put to sleep" confuses young children

If your pet was euthanized, KidsHealth advises care with phrases like "went to sleep" or "got put to sleep." Young children can take words literally. These phrases can give them scary ideas about sleep, or about surgery and anesthesia.

KidsHealth also advises against covering the truth with a story, such as saying a pet ran away. It probably won't ease the sadness, and if the truth comes out, your child may be angry.

If you knew ahead of time that your pet would be euthanized, KidsHealth suggests you might explain that the vets did everything they could, that your pet would never get better, that this was the kindest way to take the pain away, and that your pet would die peacefully, without feeling hurt or scared.

Let your child say goodbye

KidsHealth notes that many children want a chance to say goodbye. Some may be old enough to be there and comfort the pet.

The NC State social worker suggests that, when a family knows a death is coming, a child can be given the chance to say goodbye and to take part in remembering the pet. That might be writing a letter or drawing a picture. Some children won't want to be there at the time of death but may still want to say goodbye, and your vet can help with that.

If the death was sudden, there may have been no chance for a goodbye. KidsHealth suggests explaining calmly what happened, keeping it brief, and letting your child's questions guide how much you share.

Questions to expect

The NC State social worker suggests keeping the conversation open and letting your child take as much time as they need to ask questions.

What happens to a pet after dying? KidsHealth suggests drawing on your own understanding of death, including your faith if that's part of your family's life. An honest "I don't know" is also a fine answer.

Why couldn't the vet make our pet better? The NC State social worker suggests explaining that there are some things we can fix in people that we can't fix in an animal, and some things we can't fix in people or animals.

Is it my fault? KidsHealth notes that children may feel guilty about times they were unkind to the pet or didn't help care for the pet as promised. They may also feel lonely, or angry if the pet was euthanized. Help them understand that all of these feelings are natural, and that it's OK not to want to talk about them at first. Let them know you're there when they are ready.

KidsHealth and the NC State social worker both say it's OK for children to see adults feeling sad. It shows them that sadness and tears are part of losing someone you love.

When feelings come back later

Grief is a process that happens over time, as KidsHealth's guidance on helping a child after a person dies puts it.

The NC State social worker explains that very young children process their feelings in short bursts. A child may ask many questions right after a pet dies, and a little while later be off playing something else. That doesn't mean they have forgotten, or that they are done grieving. Be ready for the conversation to start again.

KidsHealth also says that for a child, losing a pet is similar to losing a person, and can be much harder than losing a distant relative. You may need to explain this to people who don't understand.

Make something together

Doing something together can help a child remember. KidsHealth suggests holding a small ceremony, sharing memories of fun times, writing down what the pet meant to each person in the family, sharing stories of funny moments, or making a scrapbook. Its guidance on helping a child after any death also suggests drawing pictures or writing down stories.

The NC State social worker notes that memories are part of healing, and that sharing stories of happy times can bring comfort months and even years after a pet's death.

When to ask a doctor or counselor for help

KidsHealth's guidance on helping a child after a person dies says that if your child's distress lasts for more than a few weeks, or if you think your family needs more help, you can talk with your child's doctor, who can help you find the right therapist. A child may also need more help if the death was sudden or deeply stressful. The same guidance notes that support groups and counseling can help children who need more support.

Sources

• Nemours KidsHealth, "When a Pet Dies: Helping Kids Cope" (medically reviewed by KidsHealth Medical Experts, June 2020): kidshealth.org/en/parents/pet-death.html
• Nemours KidsHealth, "When a Loved One Dies: How to Help Your Child" (medically reviewed September 2021): kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html
• NC State College of Veterinary Medicine, "How to Explain the Death of a Pet to a Young Child" (October 14, 2014), with Jeannine Moga, a licensed clinical social worker at its Veterinary Health Complex: cvm.ncsu.edu